Why Free-Will Family Fun Might Change Your Parenting
Forced family fun. Maybe that’s a weekly occurrence in your house, maybe it’s only referenced on vacation when everyone piles into the van to play putt-putt, but only half of the humans actually want to go.
Our culture often jokes about “forced family fun” and the memories we set out to make with our kids. As a mom of three, I have been notorious for trying to get all three of my kids to love the same activity at the same time and to MAKE THOSE MEMORIES. But inevitably, some child is not into whatever the activity is. And most likely said family member just happens to be in the tween or teen years. In our family, we’ve noticed the ten-and-unders are usually up for any kind of adventure: parks, hiking, sledding, walks, movies, games, etc. But when it comes to kids above ten, we’ve noticed a few things. And when I say “notice,” I mean the observations that come from miserably failing and everything turning into a dumpster fire. So if I may, I offer you the gifts from our wreckage.
Planned Emancipation is the goal. In the book, Feeding The Mouth That Bites You: A Complete Guide to Parenting Adolescents and Launching Them Into the World (so good!) Wilgus makes a case for “planned emancipation.” Freedom and choice are huge when it comes to raising adolescents and launching them well into the world. He talks about making a plan for more freedom each year—and responsibility—that raises adults who have character, who have made plenty of mistakes, who have learned well under your roof, and who have a thriving relationship with you. He advises making plans for your child’s freedom and responsibility at every stage. This book is fabulous. If the only thing you get from this blog is that book, then you are winning.
Having a good relationship with your child means invitation is a game-changer. Instead of requiring family fun,“We are all going for a nature hike. Everyone goes. You have no choice because it’s forced family fuuuuuun!” Try inviting your tween or teen, “We are going for a nature hike and would love for you to come. But it’s your choice. We will miss ya.” An invitation makes a huge difference; it gives them choice, autonomy, and free-will. And if they choose to come, they will do so willingly and with much more joy than if it was forced. But the really hard thing about this is that your child may not choose to join you. Which can feel sad, especially to us moms. But what is the goal? A grumpy, pouting tween who feels handcuffed anytime there is family “fun”? OR a child who is given freedom, and because of that freedom, wants to keep your relationship and moves toward you? And when she chooses, she chooses with a better attitude than if she was forced?
Recently, after forcing fun (but then realizing we actually want to give freedom) we changed our tune and made it an option for our oldest to join us. He chose to stay home. But 5 minutes later, after we left, he texted and said, “I feel bad about not going but I just don’t want to go on a walk right now.” Because he was given a choice, our relationship stayed in tact. Communication was still open and he moved toward us. There have been plenty of times where arms have been crossed, relationship is shut down, and communication is closed because we forced family fun. He was with us, but not really. And I definitely didn’t get the “memory” I wanted.
Be available when your child asks YOU to join HER. I am prone to deciding when we play, have adventures, or engage in activities. But don’t miss the opportunities, (which may grow fewer each year) to be with your kids when they ask you to join. Ping-pong requests often come at very inconvenient times, but I can usually put off what I am doing (unless it’s going to burn on my stovetop) for 15 minutes to hang out and play with my son. It’s a sweet gift when they move toward us and a huge deposit into our relationship.
Give Up on Instagram Moments. I have often forced fun because I wanted that photo or that moment. But when I drop my agenda and leave the need to “stage” some kind of family fun, I am more relaxed and have realigned my focus. May your focus be: enjoying your people. Not perfecting a post.
Choose Joy for Yourself. I can’t make my children enjoy an activity or a moment. But I can choose what is in MY cup during that time. Dump out your expectations, your frustrations, and your grumpiness. Ask God to pour joy into your own cup on the way to that thing and decide to choose joy. It’s there. Even in the hot car and with crying kiddos. I dare you to find some joy in the hardest places.
So, there’s my recent diamonds in the rough of parenting. My something speak to you as you parent in 2020!
Cheers,
Amy